Counting down the days

25 more days to go! I have received my surgery preparation packet with all the fun things I get to have done in the next 4 weeks before surgery. I read through the packet last night and the amount of information was overwhelming. I am not sure if being a professional in the medical field is to my advantage or to my detriment in this situation, with knowing as much as I do about all that is going to happen. There may be something said for going blindly into something like this. Sometimes the anticipation of something you know is inevitable can be more haunting than the blind hopefulness that you will do very well. This is not to say that I won't do very well...I just know the intricacies of the surgery and that the road will be a struggle that will be full of bumps and tears. There is no dispute that I have spent quite a bit of time in the last 12 1/2 years practicing perseverance. In that time I learned early on that the pain, both physically and emotionally, will drown you if you let it, and that letting the pain drag you down makes you no fun to be around. Granted, I truly believe sympathy is a wonderful gift. The people around me, with every surgery and struggle I faced gave me even greater strength with their support. But you cannot rise above and sustain yourself by relying completely on the lifting hands of others. In the beginning it was just natural and easy for me to be jovial and pleasant as I worked hard to recover, plus I was very well medicated and cared for in the first year after my accident. Of course back then I didn't plan on getting into an accident and being in the position I was in, so as the adage goes "You don't know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.". Now I know how strong I need to be and I know what is going to happen and the struggle of it all. Now I get to worry about needing everyone else and how this will affect them. Now I have the months and months of worry if this will all work as it should and that I will recover in the time I need to so that I can get back to work and rebuilding my life...yet again. You see when I first had my accident in 2001 my life was on track, there was security and money in the bank, we were successful. The accident took that all away and we had to work to get back on our feet. Then a divorce and my work up to that point was all stolen as well. Then as a single mother I worked hard to get back on my feet only to face another surgery with a struggle and debt, and then not soon after another surgery and struggle unfolded. Yet again, I rose above it and recovered. Once on my feet again I made the choice to buckle down and go back to college, and did very well. Then graduated to move into the career I have now. Just as life started to grow more financially stable my ankle gives way. Here we go again....another surgery....another struggle. With the constant pain and the constant worry I am so tired and so ready for this to be over. Praying every day and trying to make sure every piece falls right into place. I know that the pain is affecting my mood and the worry is making me perpetually anxious. I know that my mindset to put on a happy face and push through is failing me at times. I apologize to all those who are affected by this, I am doing my best. Thank you to everyone who is wishing me well and praying for me. My appreciation is more than I can express.